Living after Death: Finding Sunshine During the Storm

2.5 years later…….and I just started living after death. Yes, I’m still in disbelief myself. I’m shocked, angry, hurt, depressed, sad, empty, and relieved to name a few emotions that I experienced just today. Of course, I often question my mental stability. I mean, how is it that I am living this life without the one person that I couldn’t even have dreamt of living without? Well, atleast not living without for decades to come. How am I even surviving? Yet alone smiling? How did I possibly manage to find the sunshine in the midst of this storm? The answer lies in its simplest form… Living day by day.

So today, as I celebrate my birthday (barely 30s club <insert tootsie roll here> ) I thought it only befitting to celebrate B. Shanel 2.0 in honor of my beautiful mother Julie E Brown who passed away 951 days ago.

Since her death I have struggled with something that I thought I had mastered 30 something odd years ago….being MYSELF. The day she transitioned is the day B. Shanel died as well. But thank God for a praying mother because by His grace I decided to live. So truly Happy Birthday to me!! Keep reading, I’m ready to share some sunshine!

Sunshine Before the Storm

3 years ago, I married my best friend. A couple of months after our honeymoon I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter. Not only was I pregnant with my parents first granddaughter, interestingly enough her due date was scheduled for my mother’s birthday, July 9th.

I said all of that to illustrate that I witness two years of beautiful sunshine before my storm. There were a couple sprinkles of dark clouds here and there before then. Some hurt really deep, however; nothing has compared to the Storm of June 2016. Thirty nine weeks pregnant, in my hometown, Macon, GA, away from my OB GYN, with no overnight bag, my mother passed after fighting long battle of breast cancer. 3 days later, while in the midst of making funeral arrangements, unexpectedly, I delivered my daughter.

Looking for Sunshine

So there I was, a girl mourning her mother, becoming a mother without the aid of the one person mandatory in the birthing plan, my Mama. (Oh yeah hubby was required too). Even though nothing went according to my plans, everything was perfect. No my mother wasn’t physically there, but instead I had two aunts and cousins of which probably wouldn’t had made it to Atlanta in time for delivery. And although I had never met the doctor delivering Zoey, he turned out to be the seasoned physician who had delivered my cousin’s children years ago. Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the short labor. Thanks mommy for telling Zoey to hurry up. To this day, I like to believe that my mother was there in spirit. I could hear her in my head coaching me every second of the way.

In exactly 24hr post delivery, I remember preparing to be discharged and being blinded by the sunshine peering in the room. I could barely focus on what the nurse was saying. I just remember asking my hubby to close the blinds. After fiddling around for what seemed like minutes to me, the sun kept shining in my face. I could tell that the nurse solely wanted me to pay attention to her, but even she stopped to comment on how beautiful the sun was that day. No matter how we positioned the blinds and the shades, we failed. It stayed. The sun continued to peer in.

It has taken almost two years for me to describe that week of events without overshadowing it with the storm details. B. Shanel 2.0 has learned to look for the sunshine. There’s not a day it’s not there. I know it will be hard, and some days damned there impossible… but there’s always sunshine if you look for it.

Living after Death

As I mentioned earlier, I lost myself. I no longer knew how to be myself. I talked to my mother every single day, often several times a day. She was my mentor, my friend, my confidant, my cheerleader, and my world. I had to learn how to be B. Shanel without her. My daily routine had already been interrupted by my newborn, but what made it worse was my “parenting crutch plan” was disintegrated. I wanted to call her to ask, “what, when, how?”. I needed her to walk through the doors and take over. Fortunately for me, I found my strength in my 7 ounce bundle of joy. I had no choice but to survive and become the mother that I so much adorned and admired.

I decided to live. And by no means was it easy. 3 months after my moms death, I was promoted to a Clinic Operations a Manager of an oncology clinic. What irony?! I’m not saying to everyone reading the post to join healthcare, but what I am saying is live your life in the way your loved one would want you to live. I wouldn’t say I chose oncology, but rather oncology chose me. My goals is to affect change on this population, even if it’s just by changing their experiences at the place they will spend greater than 40% of their time. I wanted to do this in honor of my mother. And so I’m doing it! I’m living life after death in the field of study of which took my grandmother and mother’s life.

Celebrate Living after Death

Lastly but most importantly, set your own timing and adjust it accordingly. Losing a love one sucks! It’s unexplainably hard. Moving on is hard, but you can live on. It doesn’t get easier with time, no time doesn’t heal all wounds, but you can live through it. You too can live after death.

So celebrate your loved one and your rebirth! Those are two milestones. Here’s a list of things I like to do to celebrate my mom and B. Shanel 2.0.

1. I try to visit my mom’s grave site for all special occasions. If I can’t make it there physically, I set aside moments of silence to reminisce by going through photos of us.
2. I randomly bring her memories up in conversation.
3. We still celebrate her birthday! Last year we went to her grave site and released 50 pink balloons.
4. Particpate in hobbies your loved one enjoyed.
5. Donate to events they would sponsor (i.e Susan G Komen)
6. Share your success stories with your family.
7. Pass on the legacy.

Continue to look for the sunshine, because it’s there.

I hope you found this blog helpful. I am eager to hear how you all are coping during the storm. Please share ideas and suggestions below on living after death.

Don’t forget to come back for more ideas and tips. www.francisgirlstyle.com

💋 B. Shanel